Cutthroat Island

CUTTHROAT ISLAND (1995)

Dear God. I'm actually thinking of undergoing a partial lobotomy so I can forget I ever saw this. How were they able to pitch this? "Well, Sid, everyone loves Geena Davis, right? And everyone loves pirates, right?" But rather than beings a cinematic Reeses Peanut Butter Cup--peanut butter and chocolate--it's actually a lot closer to some sort of Reese's Beet Juice and Liver cup. With Frank Langella.

Geena plays Morgan Adams, dread pirate of the Jamaican coast. Although I'm not much of a drinker, isn't there some brand Yo-ho-ho: Seven screenwriters on a dead man's chest. of rum called Captain Morgan? This seems like just one of the interesting challenges the screenwriters faced; how can you fit product placement into a movie taking place in the 17th Century? (Other challenges: How do I get in a scene where people run in slow motion and jump in mid-air when something explodes? How can I have a climactic swordfight when death by sword isn't 90's enough? How can I finish this script without realizing I have become a ghoulish parody of my youthful ambitions?) I have to admit I'm not the best one to summarize the plot of this movie since I watched it with my pal Patrick while eating Ben & Jerry's and arguing through the first third of the movie over whether Geena Davis was hot or not. By the second third of the movie, Patrick was asleep, his cheek smeared with ice cream and snoring like all three stooges put together. So forgive me if I just say that this movie's plot is really just a hasty zig-zag to hit every pirate cliche the makers can think of. Morgan is in competition with her uncle, the dread pirate Dawg (Langella) to get the pieces to the map that lead to the awe-inspiring treasure hidden many moons ago by Morgan's now-deceased father (and maybe Langella and another brother, I'm not sure). In order to decipher part of the map, Davis buys William Shaw (Matthew Modine) a fast-talking thief who's supposed to be a loveable rogue. Shaw manages to become an equal partner in the venture after recovering the second part of the map, blah, blah, blah. Of course he and Davis have that kooky love/hate chemistry thing going on (well, supposedly going on, I should say). At one point, Davis says to Modine, "Well, since you lie, and you are shallow, then I shall lie you in a shallow grave." Yikes. It doesn't help that Davis delivers this line like she was auditioning for a dogfood commercial she didn't really want to get.

Cutthroat Island is one of those movies where it's the little details that count. For example, since Davis's husband at the time was the director, every other woman in the movie has to be skinnier and more pop-eyed than Davis; at certain points of the movie, it looks like an Olive Oyl lookalike contest is taking place. Renny Harlin, the director, uses so much slow motion I thought Patrick and I had accidentally consumed a pint of Ben & Jerry's Downers and Cream. Then there's the fight scene where extras jump out of the way to allow Modine to complete his clumsy roll across the floor for a cutlass, to say nothing of the plutonium cannonballs that cause everything they hit to explode to high heaven. I'm also partial to the scene when everyone's running and explosions are going off and a barrel flies up and pops Matthew Modine in the head in slow-mo. It's obviously a very, very light balsa wood barrel which kind of ruins the tension (although I was relieved Modine wasn't seriously hurt). And of course, there's loveable King Edward, Geena Davis's monkey, who actually salutes Geena at the end of the movie. Actually, seeing Malcolm in the Middle's Christopher Masterson as young master Bowen (sort of like Treasure Island's Jim but with nothing to do) and watching King Edward run around in little monkeypants were the only pleasant surprises of the film, so don't think I'm complaining about them. Because I'm not.

I'm pretty astonished that Harlin and Davis were able to make the Long Kiss Goodnight together after this. Now, with hindsight, I'm also astonished that the Long Kiss Goodnight did not totally and utterly suck. You know, like this movie. I always appreciated Geena Davis's desire to become Hollywood's first real female action hero (and Mira Sorvino's similar attempt a little later) but, all in all, I wish this particular chest of fool's gold had never been dug up in the first place.

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